It's Not Your Fault

This is one of those posts I'm not sure will actually get posted. It's a serious post and maybe even a bit morbid. Feel free to skip, assuming I do post it.

I listen to a podcast called This American Life. Recently, it featured a story about a man whose friend was suicidal. In an effort to convince the friend that suicide was not the answer, he recorded conversations with the friend about his failed suicide attempt. Then the man sent the tapes to the friend. He figured that the friend would hear himself and realize that suicide was not the answer. Sadly, the friend committed suicide a year or two later.

It reminded me of a story from Chicken Soup for the Soul. I don't remember the exact details, but I'll try to quickly retell what I remember. Basically there was an awkward teenager who was teased mercilessly at school. While walking home one day with an arm full of books, the teen struggled and dropped some of them. Another more popular kid noticed and helped and was basically nice to the awkward kid. In the end it turns out the popular kid's kindness saved the awkward kid from committing suicide. The teen had cleared out his locker and was going home that very day to do the deed. The popular kid was a savior.

I hate that story. Not only is it not realistic, I think it's harmful. How many people have known someone who has committed suicide and then felt guilt-ridden, wondering what if they could've done something to stop it? The Chicken Soup story implies exactly that. It says YOU can stop someone from killing themselves, meaning YOU should've/could've stopped someone if they do kill themselves. But that's just not true.

People who commit suicide almost always have depression or mental illness of some kind. That's not something that can be changed by a mere act of kindness. While it may cheer up a sad friend to give them a call, a depressed friend isn't likely to feel any different after the call. I think being kind and thoughtful is always a good idea. Support and love can help people to get the professional care needed, but it won't directly fix the problem.

We've come a long way in understanding mental illness. We recognize it as true disease, to be treated with counseling and medications. Yet we still sometimes think of it as "the blues" or something people can just "snap out of." Hopefully we can remember that it's not as simple as that. While it is unimaginably tragic, it's not your fault if someone you know takes that step of finality.

The man featured in the This American Life podcast isn't to blame for his friend's death. I'm glad that he seems to realize that. Unfortunately, many people do blame themselves. They shouldn't. Let's say the popular kid from the Chicken Soup story hadn't helped the suicidal teen. Would he really be to blame? He may be a jerk, but it wouldn't be his fault.